Write.

Write. Write for yourself. Write to "snap out" of it. White for your future self. Write for your dreams. You better write. 

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I wish I could tell you I love you. One more time.

I sent a package today. I package you would want me to send. A pair of magnet "boots" for a special girl who wished to have them. I know you would be happy to hear that story. I know you would have said, "Don't say I've taught you" and I would answer with "You are a good grandma" and "Talk to you tomorrow".

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Baby steps.

I'm trying to keep making steps forward. It's not my usual steps, it's baby steps but it's better than no steps. I miss Grandma. Sewing without you is hard but life without you is even harder. 

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Navigate life without you.

We went to see your mom today. I wish I had taken you there more than once. I know you would have loved to but would never ask. There are so many things I'm sorry about. So many things I didn't say, so many tips and tricks I didn't learn yet. I just hope I will know how to navigate life without you. 

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God hands.

We are coming to see you tomorrow. But you will not wait for me on the balcony and will not make me the food I love most. I will not show you the new stuff I have made on my phone, because you are not here anymore. You are in god hands now Grandma, and I will miss you forever. 

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Crying.

I'm crying when I find drafts you left me, like a paper pattern of pants you made me from kitchen paper towels. I cry between 5 pm to 7 pm because those were our hours. I cry for not fixing your computer at all cost. For not buying you new fabrics insted of giving you my leftovers. I sit and I cry. 

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Your name.

Your name was on that little Bilble. The bible you used to read every week after learning how to read in your late 80's. Now your name is on that cover. I sat in the place you loved the most wondering which chair was yours, what would you have said about all the people showing up, about covering my sewign machine with leopard print, about life without you. 

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